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[swordfucker]

Guren Ichinose | Red | #A5211F

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[passio]

[ guren is worrying about him. why can’t he make himself say anything? it’s not a matter of using his voice or not—it’s like he doesn’t want to, even though he very desperately does.

it’s not right. guren doesn’t deserve this, when he’s so torn up. dextera shakes his head, slowly, and touches guren’s cheek. even that doesn’t feel like something he decided to do, like his body is on autopilot. ]

My crystal.

[ if he gets that— ]

[swordfucker]

Oh—

[It's something to do, something to help, and Guren shifts immediately, ignoring the pain that throbs as he does. Standing up more completely, he reaches into his pocket and holds it out for him.

He'd kept it close. Hopefully that's not weird.]

Here.

[passio]

[ dextera takes it, slowly.

it doesn’t restore any color to him, but some light, some life comes back to him—too much, maybe, because his eyes are soon brimming with tears. he’s never cared about death, for all the times it’s taken him, but this time.

this time, someone cared. his crystal carries the fear of death in it, this time. he hadn’t wanted to die at all. ]

…ah…

[ his chest hurts, and he touches under his eyes, where the tears are spilling forth. guren—he’s sorry. ]

[swordfucker]

[Thank goodness he already cried a little, or he'd be doing it now. He's holding it back with everything he's got, and the fact that standing still hurts a little helps distract him, but his heart is aching. His chest aches.

Dextera is alive... but he certainly died. He's so afraid of asking him what he remembers. Of saying anything too much. He stares, sadly, his free hand moving to wipe those tears away.]

I'm sorry. [Once more, and then never again, or that fear eating at him might come true.]

[passio]

[ dextera shakes his head. he—he should have been smarter. he promised not to die, didn’t he? he’d promised to live, but he was so scared, and that fear made him a fool. he holds his crystal tight. ]

You’re hurt.

[ because of him? because he couldn’t live through the battle? he’s so stupid—so useless, and even now, guren is standing here, bloodied and bruised. he’s so impossibly sorry.

he moves away from guren’s hand to place his head against guren’s forehead instead, close enough to nearly taste the tears on guren’s breath. ]

Guren.

[swordfucker]

[Dextera is worrying too much, and that worries Guren. They can't focus on this. They can't... He doesn't know how this works but he doesn't want to test it. Dextera shouldn't have to be the rulebook.

He lets out a shaky exhale when their foreheads press together, and puts on a small smile.]

What, this? It's nothing.

[He's had worse. That much is true. But normally, they heal... Or at least, recently, they have. It hasn't been like this for years. He squeezes Dextera's arm, insistent.]

I'm just glad to see you. [Again, but he doesn't want to even say that.]

[passio]

[ dextera doesn’t want to leave him. he doesn’t want to move from this spot, and he puts his crystal into his pocket so he can hold guren by the face—they’re so close, so close, and he doesn’t want to move from that, either.

his chest aches, and he’s not even the one who’s injured. ]

…

[ he nods, simply, since his hands are busy and he’s too close for guren to read his lips.

he’s glad to see guren again, too. he stayed away because he couldn’t deal with it, and he didn’t want guren to see him like that, but now—he can’t stop touching guren. ]

[swordfucker]

[The tension is palpable. Guren wants nothing more than to pull him close, to do everything he'd missed doing when he was sure Dextera was dead. He's not even sure if this is real, or if he's just hallucinating, still. Maybe he's dead, himself.

But the warmth of the hands on his face is real, and he lets out a shaky breath while he appreciates it. What does he do? What does he say? They should get out of the doorway, but he doesn't want to move.]

...I took care of Leliel with your housemates and Izuku. [A comment just to break the silence, the way he's looking at Dextera this close. He aches for more, but he... he's everything wrong with this. He's a mess. He doesn't deserve it.

His fingers move to Dextera's neck, touching there hesitantly, cautiously. He's afraid he might break or vanish.]

Can you stay?

[passio]

[ dextera would stay even if guren told him to leave. he couldn’t stand anything else—not when guren is still injured like this, and god, he hates knowing that this is his fault. guren, so vulnerable like this. it agonizes him, and so he nods again, brushing guren’s cheeks with his thumbs before he pulls back. ]

Your room.

[ let guren rest—they can figure things out from there, somehow. ]

You shouldn’t move.

[ dextera should have just come in, he shouldn’t have knocked, shouldn’t have made guren come all the way down here—but it’s too late, and too little, to regret that amidst everything else. ]

[swordfucker]

It's not that bad.

[It's not as bad as it was immediately after the fact, but it's plenty bad. Especially when he can't heal. It's actively blocked, even now, and that's a pain in the ass. He aches everywhere, he can't move too fast or he'll start bleeding again, and that one at his heart is especially nasty. As long as he keeps changing the bandages, it's fine.

He's glad Dextera isn't leaving. He wanted to say "you should tell the others you're fine" if he hadn't, but he selfishly doesn't want him to leave. Izuku and maybe others might still be sleeping here right now?? But Guren moves past everything and towards the stairs.

His room. It'll be like nothing happened... If only. At least he's not staggering like he was the first day or so. Now, he can climb the stairs no problem, though he should be taking it slower than he does.]

[passio]

[ it’s not fine at all. dextera isn’t stupid. if he’s still hurt, after days now, then it must have nearly killed him—dextera doesn’t know if the others came back, and he’s willing to attribute his return to his own power, so it’s horrifying to think that guren may have died trying to save him. ]

…

[ dextera walks behind him, quiet, contemplative—and tears still drip down his cheeks every now and then, like something is forcing them out on a timer. it’s fine. he can’t stop crying, but that’s not new to anybody.

when they reach guren’s room, he figures he should be honest. ]

A day ago. [ a pause. ] Maybe two. I came back. I’m sorry.

[swordfucker]

[Even when they get to his room, Guren has to move to sit on the bed before he gets to any talking. He looks right to Dextera after that, though, and the words give him a pause.

It seems to be okay that he's talking about it, but it still makes his stomach tie up in a knot.]

Why didn't you say anything?

[You didn't want to see me? is the first thing that comes to mind, but he's aware enough to realize that it's stupid. That he's being stupid. Dextera seemed in a bad place without his crystal. Was it bad that Guren held onto it, selfishly?]

[passio]

[ dextera hunches his shoulders, apologetic in that way that only he can be—like he’s trying to make himself disappear, to avoid the guilt that piles on. ]

Scared.

[ it’s more complicated than that, though—he didn’t feel like himself. he wore his own face, but it didn’t feel right. he was just askew of his own body. that’s too much to try to explain to guren.

in another form of apology, he joins guren on the bed, tightening his fingers into his coat as he thinks. ]

I broke our promise.

[swordfucker]

That was my fault.

[Guren appreciates the company beside him. Dextera's warmth, even if it's not as close as he wants it. He's here, he's alive, and it's surreal. Guren doesn't know what to feel, he's so overwhelmed. He thinks he wants to cry, but he can't, anymore.]

You were scared and alone for two days? [Was he alone, or at home? If he'd been at home... the others would have told him, right?]

I didn't think you'd come back. I would have looked for you.

[passio]

[ dextera most certainly knows that guren won’t like the truth, but putting it all out there seems best. hiding things, keeping them secret—that’s worse. death may not be permanent for dextera, but it leaves too many things disturbed and unresolved. ]

…with Ryo.

[ he knew ryo wouldn’t say anything, because ryo is like that, and it was easy to keep out of the way and hide himself if anyone came to check up.

luckily, ryo is not a person with enough friends to swarm his house. ]

I didn’t want you to see me.

[ he wanted to see guren, but— ]

[swordfucker]

...Oh.

[That's all he can say, after staring at Dextera for a long moment, and he looks across the room instead, afterwards. With Ryo. He remembers, suddenly, Dextera reaching for Ryo as he died, and it feels like the wound on his chest has reopened.

Thankfully, it hasn't. He's just being dramatic. He knew this from the start, right?]

[passio]

[ dextera will never understand his own feelings toward ryo, maybe. there’s too much he expects, too much he wants, and ryo makes him feel uncomfortable and strange and vulnerable.

it’s not like that, with guren. dextera just needed to punish himself for a few days, and now he’s here. ]

…

[ it was the wrong thing to say, anyway, and dextera exhales. his body is tense. ]

I’m sorry. [ again, his hands moving subtly, the kinetic equivalent of a mumble. ] I needed to think.

[swordfucker]

You don't have to apologize to me.

[Guren is firm in that, at least, though now he doesn't reach for Dextera like he wants to. Maybe it's too much.]

You're your own person. You can come to me whenever you want, but that doesn't mean you have to. You don't owe me anything.

[And he doesn't want him to feel like he does. He's here as a choice, that's it. If Dextera wanted to see Ryo instead... then that's fine, even if it hurts. He doesn't want to share that it hurts.

He'll just focus on it being better that Dextera didn't see him in worse condition.]

[passio]

I don’t.

[ oddly, dextera agrees with that. nothing was forcing him to come to see guren. no one was making him, or telling him to, and he’ll bear the burden of guilt for going to ryo first even if he thinks it was the call that was right for him.

even so.

dextera’s hand is between them, now, his fingertips brushing guren’s thigh. ]

But I’m here now. I wanted to see you.

[ he signs slowly, emphatic. ]

I always wanted to see you.

[swordfucker]

...

[Why does it hurt, watching those signs? Still, because he couldn't prevent this. Because Dextera is in pain. But then there's these complicated feelings below that... Why would Dextera hide away if he wanted to see him? Just so that Guren wouldn't see him? Was it just the same feeling as Guren, just now, who thought it would be better that Dextera didn't see him staggering into walls and staring off into space?

He moves his hand to cover Dextera's. He can't resist it when it's so close like that, tempting him. Not when he's missed it for so long.]

I missed you.

[He doesn't care... he has to say it. If he doesn't share at least this much, how can Dextera know?]

[passio]

…

[ despite those wounds, guren’s hand is warm and alive. dextera’s is, too, and he can’t help but lift that hand to his face, squeezing it—there’s no hesitation, as if he was just waiting for guren to touch him. his brow furrows, and he turns guren’s hand just enough so that his lips are pressed to guren’s palm.

he doesn’t care. he doesn’t care. unlike before, when he pushed guren’s hand away when they got too close to something he wasn’t ready for, this feels like a terrible necessity, pounding in his chest. ]

I’m sorry.

[ another apology, and he’d be sorry for that if he didn’t feel like guren truly deserved every one. he’s mouthing the words against guren’s hand, and then he pulls back, folding guren’s fingers over so his lips are touching guren’s knuckles, instead.

his mouth is easier to read, at least. ]

It hurts, without you.

[swordfucker]

[His heart is beating out of his chest. At a time like this, he's getting these feelings? Lips against his palm, and he's too aware of them, staring and forgetting to breathe. It means that as the hold shifts, his next breaths are heavier, slow and focused like the way his eyes follow it all.]

...Yeah. Me too.

[He's not the most eloquent, but he's a little embarrassed, saying something like that aloud, even as true as it is. He's staring and he can't stop, and he doesn't know what to do. Everything is screaming at him to move closer, but he's holding himself back. He can't be so greedy. Dextera won't disappear. He's here. That's what matters.]

[passio]

[ there’s a tension in the air that dextera can’t ignore—that he’s sure neither of them can. it’s the same tension that’s hung over their past many meetings, pushing and pulling at dextera’s heart, asking more of him than he’s dared to risk.

he died. that’s never meant anything to him before, and if it weren’t for guren, it might still mean nothing now. but seeing guren here, knowing guren’s past, it’s made him aware of pain and permanence in loss, and how it’s all too possible that one of them could disappear tomorrow and never come back. ]

…

[ dextera lifts his head from guren’s hand, and his eyes follow a few seconds behind. he’s watching, thinking—wanting, too. wanting to see guren want the same thing, before this space between them becomes too much to bear. ]

[swordfucker]

[He exhales again, and it sounds so loud when everything else is so quiet. He watches Dextera, the tension heightened, the air heavy and his heart beating too hard in his chest. His fingers squeeze at Dextera's hand.

He can hope and he can want all he wants, but there's no way that the same thing is going through Dextera's mind. He can't cross that bridge, when he's always been the one to push and nudge at him, forcing him this way or that. Asking him to help him with missions, coming over without knocking, falling asleep in his room.

But if it's not that, then what is he doing, pausing like that...?

His eyes move up from Dextera's lips to his eyes again, searching. His lips move slightly, like he's going to do or say something, but he gives up entirely before it even starts.]

[passio]

…

[ when guren moves, so does dextera, but then guren stops moving—and dextera pauses for only a fraction of a second before he keeps going anyway. if he’s wrong, so be it, but he can’t wait like this anymore. he died, guren almost died, and if that’s not enough to make him act on this desire burning in his chest then nothing will.

(and the thought of denying himself this chance is a punishment beyond what he thinks he deserves. worse than the penance of death a thousand times over is not kissing guren, if only once.)

he doesn’t care anymore. if guren pushes him away, he’ll let it happen. if he crumbles to dust for asking too much of his newly-restored life, then that, too, is acceptable. it’s just something that he feels he has to do, after denying himself for no reason other than that’s what he’s always done. so he kisses guren, squeezing his fingers, hopeful despite himself. ]