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[swordfucker]

Guren Ichinose | Red | #A5211F

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[passio]

[ dextera hunches his shoulders, apologetic in that way that only he can be—like he’s trying to make himself disappear, to avoid the guilt that piles on. ]

Scared.

[ it’s more complicated than that, though—he didn’t feel like himself. he wore his own face, but it didn’t feel right. he was just askew of his own body. that’s too much to try to explain to guren.

in another form of apology, he joins guren on the bed, tightening his fingers into his coat as he thinks. ]

I broke our promise.

[swordfucker]

That was my fault.

[Guren appreciates the company beside him. Dextera's warmth, even if it's not as close as he wants it. He's here, he's alive, and it's surreal. Guren doesn't know what to feel, he's so overwhelmed. He thinks he wants to cry, but he can't, anymore.]

You were scared and alone for two days? [Was he alone, or at home? If he'd been at home... the others would have told him, right?]

I didn't think you'd come back. I would have looked for you.

[passio]

[ dextera most certainly knows that guren won’t like the truth, but putting it all out there seems best. hiding things, keeping them secret—that’s worse. death may not be permanent for dextera, but it leaves too many things disturbed and unresolved. ]

…with Ryo.

[ he knew ryo wouldn’t say anything, because ryo is like that, and it was easy to keep out of the way and hide himself if anyone came to check up.

luckily, ryo is not a person with enough friends to swarm his house. ]

I didn’t want you to see me.

[ he wanted to see guren, but— ]

[swordfucker]

...Oh.

[That's all he can say, after staring at Dextera for a long moment, and he looks across the room instead, afterwards. With Ryo. He remembers, suddenly, Dextera reaching for Ryo as he died, and it feels like the wound on his chest has reopened.

Thankfully, it hasn't. He's just being dramatic. He knew this from the start, right?]

[passio]

[ dextera will never understand his own feelings toward ryo, maybe. there’s too much he expects, too much he wants, and ryo makes him feel uncomfortable and strange and vulnerable.

it’s not like that, with guren. dextera just needed to punish himself for a few days, and now he’s here. ]

…

[ it was the wrong thing to say, anyway, and dextera exhales. his body is tense. ]

I’m sorry. [ again, his hands moving subtly, the kinetic equivalent of a mumble. ] I needed to think.

[swordfucker]

You don't have to apologize to me.

[Guren is firm in that, at least, though now he doesn't reach for Dextera like he wants to. Maybe it's too much.]

You're your own person. You can come to me whenever you want, but that doesn't mean you have to. You don't owe me anything.

[And he doesn't want him to feel like he does. He's here as a choice, that's it. If Dextera wanted to see Ryo instead... then that's fine, even if it hurts. He doesn't want to share that it hurts.

He'll just focus on it being better that Dextera didn't see him in worse condition.]

[passio]

I don’t.

[ oddly, dextera agrees with that. nothing was forcing him to come to see guren. no one was making him, or telling him to, and he’ll bear the burden of guilt for going to ryo first even if he thinks it was the call that was right for him.

even so.

dextera’s hand is between them, now, his fingertips brushing guren’s thigh. ]

But I’m here now. I wanted to see you.

[ he signs slowly, emphatic. ]

I always wanted to see you.

[swordfucker]

...

[Why does it hurt, watching those signs? Still, because he couldn't prevent this. Because Dextera is in pain. But then there's these complicated feelings below that... Why would Dextera hide away if he wanted to see him? Just so that Guren wouldn't see him? Was it just the same feeling as Guren, just now, who thought it would be better that Dextera didn't see him staggering into walls and staring off into space?

He moves his hand to cover Dextera's. He can't resist it when it's so close like that, tempting him. Not when he's missed it for so long.]

I missed you.

[He doesn't care... he has to say it. If he doesn't share at least this much, how can Dextera know?]

[passio]

…

[ despite those wounds, guren’s hand is warm and alive. dextera’s is, too, and he can’t help but lift that hand to his face, squeezing it—there’s no hesitation, as if he was just waiting for guren to touch him. his brow furrows, and he turns guren’s hand just enough so that his lips are pressed to guren’s palm.

he doesn’t care. he doesn’t care. unlike before, when he pushed guren’s hand away when they got too close to something he wasn’t ready for, this feels like a terrible necessity, pounding in his chest. ]

I’m sorry.

[ another apology, and he’d be sorry for that if he didn’t feel like guren truly deserved every one. he’s mouthing the words against guren’s hand, and then he pulls back, folding guren’s fingers over so his lips are touching guren’s knuckles, instead.

his mouth is easier to read, at least. ]

It hurts, without you.

[swordfucker]

[His heart is beating out of his chest. At a time like this, he's getting these feelings? Lips against his palm, and he's too aware of them, staring and forgetting to breathe. It means that as the hold shifts, his next breaths are heavier, slow and focused like the way his eyes follow it all.]

...Yeah. Me too.

[He's not the most eloquent, but he's a little embarrassed, saying something like that aloud, even as true as it is. He's staring and he can't stop, and he doesn't know what to do. Everything is screaming at him to move closer, but he's holding himself back. He can't be so greedy. Dextera won't disappear. He's here. That's what matters.]

[passio]

[ there’s a tension in the air that dextera can’t ignore—that he’s sure neither of them can. it’s the same tension that’s hung over their past many meetings, pushing and pulling at dextera’s heart, asking more of him than he’s dared to risk.

he died. that’s never meant anything to him before, and if it weren’t for guren, it might still mean nothing now. but seeing guren here, knowing guren’s past, it’s made him aware of pain and permanence in loss, and how it’s all too possible that one of them could disappear tomorrow and never come back. ]

…

[ dextera lifts his head from guren’s hand, and his eyes follow a few seconds behind. he’s watching, thinking—wanting, too. wanting to see guren want the same thing, before this space between them becomes too much to bear. ]

[swordfucker]

[He exhales again, and it sounds so loud when everything else is so quiet. He watches Dextera, the tension heightened, the air heavy and his heart beating too hard in his chest. His fingers squeeze at Dextera's hand.

He can hope and he can want all he wants, but there's no way that the same thing is going through Dextera's mind. He can't cross that bridge, when he's always been the one to push and nudge at him, forcing him this way or that. Asking him to help him with missions, coming over without knocking, falling asleep in his room.

But if it's not that, then what is he doing, pausing like that...?

His eyes move up from Dextera's lips to his eyes again, searching. His lips move slightly, like he's going to do or say something, but he gives up entirely before it even starts.]

[passio]

…

[ when guren moves, so does dextera, but then guren stops moving—and dextera pauses for only a fraction of a second before he keeps going anyway. if he’s wrong, so be it, but he can’t wait like this anymore. he died, guren almost died, and if that’s not enough to make him act on this desire burning in his chest then nothing will.

(and the thought of denying himself this chance is a punishment beyond what he thinks he deserves. worse than the penance of death a thousand times over is not kissing guren, if only once.)

he doesn’t care anymore. if guren pushes him away, he’ll let it happen. if he crumbles to dust for asking too much of his newly-restored life, then that, too, is acceptable. it’s just something that he feels he has to do, after denying himself for no reason other than that’s what he’s always done. so he kisses guren, squeezing his fingers, hopeful despite himself. ]

[swordfucker]

[ Dextera is moving closer, and Guren is shocked, still trying to piece together what it could mean when they kiss. Their lips meet, and a wave of emotion rushes out, and without a thought, he kisses back.

How could he not? No amount of telling himself he’s not good enough is going to stop this desire. It’s burning hot, his eyes are stinging before he closes them to prevent any more tears, and everything hurts. But the pounding in his chest is a good pain, now. It’s relief, it’s happiness, it’s seeing Dextera alive and breathing and close. He wants to push back more than ever, to go over the top.

Thankfully, he stays calm and slow, like this. And when realization hits his hazy brain, he breaks the kiss to gasp against his lips. This was— this is—? ]

Dextera. [ Quiet, questioning... or, no, it’s confirming. He can kiss back? Is it still fine? ]

[passio]

[ it’s incredible that dextera isn’t crying. there’s that calmness over him, that sometimes takes him when he doesn’t know what else to do—it’s not like the the dissociative haze when he woke up, but rather a true serenity. heedless of consequences, the result of a faith in the world to right itself one way or the other. ]

…

[ a kiss. they’ve shared a kiss, and guren is asking—what? if it’s all right? if they can do it again? dextera doesn’t know, but he hears his name, and if guren is saying it like that then the answer is probably yes. ]

Guren.

[ returned, against his mouth. dextera is barely breathing, but the sound of guren’s name is a wishful sigh. ]

[swordfucker]

[ He shivers just slightly at that response, and it’s all he needs. They’ve always been able to communicate without words, and now this is just another way to do that, isn’t it? ]

Welcome back.

[ A little comment, with a smile curling against Dextera’s lips before he’s covering them with his own again. One hand still joined with Dextera’s, the other rests at his shoulder, slides up the side of his neck and just teases his fingers past his ear. He just wants to sit here and enjoy this company for a while. They can make out and take silent breathing breaks, and let it just be that, surely.

He’s just so... glad. He’s relieved. ]

[passio]

[ guren is still injured, and dextera hasn’t forgotten that, but it’s hard to make himself stop when guren is like this—just as filled with desire, finally looking alive for the first time since dextera walked through the door. “welcome back,” he says! dextera could say the same to him, and a laugh escapes him in a breath.

he wants to cry, he wants to scream, he wants to rejoice, and he’s not sure which one of those emotions is going to win out in the end. maybe they’ll all just cancel each other, and he’ll be able to function like a normal person. ]

…

[ there’s nothing to say. that’s all right, he thinks. there are no words that need to come out that can’t be said through his actions. ]

[swordfucker]

[ As long as Dextera doesn’t go anywhere, as long as he stays alive... That’s all that matters. He kisses him again and again, slow and heartfelt, warm and still disbelieving. What does this mean? It feels like their usual, just moving forward, and he wonders why he didn’t notice.

Dextera could say this is just a friend thing and he wouldn’t even care.

He does have to stop at a point, though, when leaning over like this stretches too much at his wounds and he lets out a gasp in his pain. Still worth it. ]

[passio]

[ dextera stops, too, when he hears guren’s small gasp—it’s not like guren to be hurt, at all, and dextera remembers how severe his injuries are even from such a small noise. ]

Ah…

[ an apology, partially because of that, and partially because he has no idea how to clean or dress a wound. if guren accidentally reopened something, he wouldn’t be able to help at all. so he pulls back, belatedly shy about all of this, and nudges guren’s shoulder.

he should be in bed, not just sitting on it. ]

Rest.

[swordfucker]

[He can't stop smiling, now. It's so different from before, he doesn't know what to do. Where does he put all of this feeling? What does he say? Do they do anything about it, or accept it quietly? They seem to always accept things quietly. Hand holding, touching, moving forward without ever addressing it directly...

It's easier like that, for someone like Guren.]

I'm supposed to just sleep, now?

[In the middle of the night, with Dextera alive. Alive and kissing him? He can't help the quiet laugh he lets out, bringing a hand back to rub at his face. He's so happy. He's so relieved.

But he moves, carefully, lying on his back and slipping his feet back under the covers. There's room for Dextera, and he looks at him wordlessly, expectant.]

[passio]

…?

[ oddly, dextera doesn’t immediately get what guren wants, even though he should—it clicks a moment later, at least, and his heart flutters before anything else. it’s not like he hasn’t already slept in guren’s bed, but this is different.

he takes off his shoes, following guren into the bed. ]

Don’t sleep. [ selfish, maybe, but dextera wants to keep talking to him. ] But, rest.

[swordfucker]

[Don't sleep. Ah... help, that makes him smirk even more. This warm feeling in his chest makes him even more antsy than the tension from before the kiss. He doesn't know what to do about it.

The same as usual, he guesses? He puts his arm around Dextera, carefully.]

Uh huh. And how should I rest? Like this?

[passio]

[ there’s a different context to it all, now, and dextera will need to get used to it—is this flirting? dextera just came back from the dead, and guren is flirting with him.

it’s better than seeing him cry, anyway. ]

…

[ he relaxes, under guren’s hold, and shifts carefully until he has the space to keep signing. he’s still missing some color, but it’s coming back to him slowly. ]

Like this. [ agreement, and he glances over at guren before he returns his attention to his hands. ] I want to stay.

[ not… forever, maybe, but he wants to be here with guren while he recovers. ]

[swordfucker]

You can stay.

[However long he wants. He'd like to see that color come back slowly, if it does. He sure hopes it does. He smooths his hand slightly down Dextera's arm.]

I really thought you were gone forever. It still feels like I shouldn't say anything about it, or you might disappear. [Admissions, honesty that he doesn't usually give anyone else. Dextera's always been on the receiving end of this.]

I want you to stay.

[passio]

[ guren can’t talk about the deaths of his friends to anyone, lest he risk their lives. dextera remembers that, and he wonders briefly if it’s a relief to be able to talk about the fact dextera died, out here in the open. he hopes it’s not hard. ]

I won’t disappear.

[ he can’t promise that, but he’ll try with everything he has to stay here, stay living—besides his laptop, he seems stable. ]

I want to live.