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[swordfucker]

Guren Ichinose | Red | #A5211F

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[swordfucker]

[That's... not what he was expecting at all. There's no awkward staring from afar, no struggling to cross the room, there's just Dextera, close and wet against his own soaked body, hugging him. Guren is frozen in spot from his surprise, but it only takes a second for him to wrap his arms around him, hands resting at his back.

He realizes, now, that he was an idiot. Rather than giving Dextera space that he needed, he had left him alone, hadn't he? He's so stupid, and the realization has him frowning sadly down at Dextera as he holds him.]

I'm sorry, Dex.

[passio]

[ dextera inhales deeply, burying his face against guren’s shoulder, squeezing him tightly.

guren had left him alone, but he thought he was doing the right thing. that’s what izuku made him realize—it wasn’t anger, just guren’s form of care, but dextera doesn’t do well with being alone.

it was a mistake, maybe, but one they’ve learned from. ]

...

[ he doesn’t want to let go, but he pulls back enough to look at guren’s face, and he nods quickly—he’s okay, he’s sorry, too. whatever guren wants to take from that. ]

[swordfucker]

[He takes pretty much all of that from it, because that's the type of person Dextera is and he knows that now. Still, pulled away just this much, looking that small bit down at him, he feels like this isn't enough.

He pushes those thoughts aside, for now, because they're in the way. Right now, Dextera seems satisfied by this, and Guren is realizing that they're both wet, but Dextera is wet in that huge coat of his. He shifts apart further only to smooth his fingers from the sides of his chest to his shoulders, slipping the coat off him and urging him to turn around so he can get it off the rest of the way.]

You'll catch a cold if you're wet like this. It's better to take it off and let it dry. [Didn't they go over this when he fell in the water? Gosh.]

Anyway... You had something you wanted to tell me?

[passio]

...?

[ dextera doesn’t realize what guren is doing until the coat is down past his elbows, and he watches guren’s hand as he guides the fabric away from his body. it’s still dripping wet, and so he folds it over his arm with nowhere else to put it.

then—there are a lot of things he wants to say, actually. so he looks over to his laptop, and exhales, guiding guren to the screen. it’ll be easier this way. ]

Are you busy? [ a beat. ] I want to explain things.

[swordfucker]

[ Both ominous and promising? Guren runs his hand through his hair when a few strands hang out of place from being wet, and he looks to Dex seriously. ]

I’m not going anywhere. Don’t worry about my time. [ If he’s here, then it’s Dextera’s time. ] Go ahead.

[passio]

[ it’s better to say this now, even though dextera thinks that he could probably leave it without even mentioning it at all. guren received him well enough, and things aren’t awkward, the way he worried it would be.

his hands hesitate on the keys, because of this, but he’s thought about it long enough that he wouldn’t feel right not saying it. ]

It really was my fault, keeping silence all this time.

I was scared. Not of you, I think. But I was scared.

[swordfucker]

[ “Not of you, I think.” He thinks. Guren stares at those words longer than the rest, but stays quiet on it. He needs to just wait and listen, if Dextera is opening up like this. ]

Why were you afraid?

[passio]

...

[ bear with him, guren. it’s strange to talk about like this, even though they did promise to open up when it felt necessary—and now, more than ever, it feels necessary. he angles the laptop away slightly, asking with his eyes for guren to be patient, and types a longer message than the rest. ]

I know that I made a mistake, and you forgave me for it. That’s not what this is about. We aren’t “fighting,” and I understand that.

It’s everything from my world. I’m scared of being alone, and I’m scared of the fact that I would deserve it. Not for this, but for everything I’ve done. Putting myself in danger is something that’s expected of me, because I’m trying to repent. Being hurt, being scolded, being alone are all part of my punishment.

That’s what the Archangel says. It scared me to remember those things.

[ it takes him a moment, but then he offers guren a view of the screen again. ]

[swordfucker]

[He waits, patiently, but the moment he sees the text, he gets more concerned the more he reads. Everything he hears about this Archangel, he doesn't like. But he's trying to make sure he stays calm, just in case he causes the same reaction all over again.]

...Who is it that gets to decide your punishment? The Archangel? Why? Knowing that you've done something like that and being unable to remember... isn't that enough punishment?

No matter what the answer to that is, you're not in your world. And you're not alone. Even if I was angry... I'd never leave you alone.

[...Even if it seemed that way. He knows, he knows.]

[passio]

[ nothing is enough punishment for killing the world. no matter what he does, the pain in his chest won’t go away until he does his penance, and he deserves all the suffering he deals with until then. so says the archangel, and he has so little else to go on. ]

The Archangel is the only one who knows how to help. He’s the only one who can stand to be around me. That’s why I have to listen.

[ ...but guren is right. this isn’t his world. ]

I just don’t want to be alone.

[swordfucker]

...

[His fingers curl over his own legs, tight, angry, but he's still willing himself to be calm.]

Being the only one there to help is the exact way to manipulate someone. [He's JUST SAYING... He's been there, and... he's done that.] Your experience here should show you just how wrong that is. He's the only one? Then what am I doing?

What about Izuku? Noctis? Joshua, Estelle? Minato? Everyone you know has only said kind things about you to me. You're not going to be alone. No one wants to be alone. I'm afraid of the same thing.

[passio]

[ of course guren is objectively right about all that. but none of them know how thoroughly he destroyed the world, how selfish he was, how empty he is. the blood on his hands. the extent of it all is indescribable, even to guren, and dextera truthfully doesn’t even want to try. ]

...

[ an exhale. ]

I’m half a person, Guren. I’m missing a part of myself I don’t know how to get back, and I would do anything to fill that gap.

[ this is not about guren getting angry and their awkward extended silence—this is a confession, spurred by dextera having too long to ruminate on what a danger to himself and a liability to others he is. ]

[swordfucker]

Half...?

[He's not sure what he means by that. That his brother is gone? Or something else? Anything more literal? He can't tell with text, even with Dextera right next to him, and he watches his expression between his typing, frowning.]

What do you mean? [What does he mean that he'd do anything, that he's trying to get it back, that he's half a person... He wants to hear more.]

[passio]

[ that’s why he’s so... the way he is, about everything. he’s not a whole person, his spirit torn in two, and every day is hard if he doesn’t have someone to guide and distract him.

he shakes his head. he doesn’t have an answer to that, but he does have his crystal, again. ]

It’s safe.

[ it won’t hurt him the way the spider crystal hurt ryo, that is, though guren already knows that. this time, he truly wants guren to feel it. the purity, he may have already felt—but there’s a horrible, abiding emptiness that’s impossible to ignore if someone knows what it is. a desperation, too, for something formless.

he’s sad! and scared! and so lonely! and he’s sorry that guren has to put up with it.

but for now, he just draws out the crystal, and presses it into guren’s palm. ]

[swordfucker]

[So it's too complicated to say. Guren is quiet, even when the orb is pressed into his palm, and he closes his fingers around it in a grip to focus. This time, he's looking for any help to answer what Dextera means by half.

From that, it's easier to pick out the feelings of emptiness. Guren can relate in some ways, but not other, and his expression reflects that as he waits with it. He doesn't let go. He wants to keep focusing on it, to feel what Dextera must be.

After all, he has no real answer. Missing half? This emptiness isn't something he can fill for him, but he finds himself wanting to be able to. That desperation, these sad, dark feelings all surrounded by that blinding purity... How can it be like this? Why does it have to be like this? And what can he even do from here?

He's still not letting go, he's thinking on this really hard. There has to be a way he can do something. There has to be a way he can help more. He's here, he wants to be here, he doesn't want him to ever feel like he's alone again...]

[passio]

[ although it offers dextera no actual relief, the longer they sit there, the... lighter, dextera feels. watching guren truly try to understand him, even when there’s nothing he can do except be himself, it sends home just how much he seems to want to help.

dextera doesn’t deserve it. he doesn’t. but... ]

...

[ he slowly pries guren’s fingers open in order to take that crystal back. ]

I didn’t tell you before. This crystal came from clones of myself. I’ve died hundreds of times, with hundreds of clones to replace me.

That’s why I’m reckless. I’m sorry. Thank you.

[swordfucker]

[There's a tiny bit of resistance to his fingers being pried open, but he gives in and lets Dextera take it back. Clones. Clones. He's staring at the words and wondering what else Dextera is holding in that he feels like he can't share.]

...Even if you tell me that, you're still the only you.

[His voice is a little quiet, but it's very clear, and he turns to look at Dextera. Being strong won't really help, will it? If he acts calm and cold and doesn't care, it'll seem like he really doesn't care, in a moment like this. He doesn't want that. He wants Dextera to know.]

If you die, then I'm the one who's going to be left alone. I can't... [He cuts himself off, thinking, curling his fingers into his empty hand.] If you don't want to be more careful, or if you don't know how, then I'll just take care of you myself. Idiot.

[It's like he tagged that on just to call it less soft...]

[passio]

...

[ idiot, he says.

dextera doesn’t take any offense, since he knows this is guren’s way of showing affection—it makes him feel strangely warm, exactly as the archangel’s words leave him colder than ever when he says even such similar things.

he takes guren’s hand, filling the space his crystal left, and lifts that hand at the same time he lowers his forehead to meet it. like a prayer, but really, just another thank you.

it’s hard not to feel worthless, but guren—is good at making him forget.

he nods. ]

[swordfucker]

I'm sorry for making you feel like you were alone. Next time I do it again, just punch me.

[As if he would... But Guren would appreciate it, honestly. For now, he lets Dextera hold his hand close like that for a long moment before he turns into him, pulling him into another hug. This time, one that he initiates. They're both still wet, but at least Guren smells like his new shampoo he got with his hair gel? Bonus.]

Are you feeling any better?

[passio]

...!

[ it’s dextera’s turn to be surprised, but he does feel better. so much better. now that’s he’s talked out his feelings, even if they aren’t resolved, his body remembers how happy being around guren makes him.

he turns his face, though, inhaling noticeably. guren smells so nice?!

dextera pulls back enough that guren can see his hand, and he signs something with his fancy new fingerspelling. ]

Soap?

[swordfucker]

[doN'T JUST SNIFF HIM LIKE THAT??]

Shampoo. [He grabs Dextera's face by the cheeks as he says that, embarrassed and trying not to show it.] I got it as a reward. It won't last forever, but it's nice in the meantime.

[...]

Anyway... [He can't talk about his nice smelling hair, he can't!!] I wanted to let you know about something, too.

[passio]

[ wHY NOT ]

...?!

[ dextera wants to smell nice, too... but guren changes the subject quite quickly, and he doesn’t have the chance to ask about which quest would net him the reward of something so pleasantly scented.

he nods, slowly, placing his hand over one of guren’s at his cheek. ]

[swordfucker]

[ Because he shy.

Anyway, he can’t really pull away, or rather he doesn’t want to. Not when Dextera has his hand over his again, and they’re still so close it’s almost a half hug. He just watches Dextera’s eyes from here, too close. ]

A couple people from my home showed up, but they’re both vampires. We have similar goals right now, but one of them is unpredictable and the other hates me enough that he’s tried to kill me. He probably won’t try it for a while again... [ Probably ]

But they’re both potentially dangerous. I want you to know their names, and to be careful if you run into them.

[passio]

[ dextera’s eyes widen slightly, since he didn’t expect anyone from guren’s home to show up—especially not vampires, and especially not one that has it out for guren. come to think of it, though, he has definitely already met a vampire.

slowly, he nods again, but he’s anticipating hearing that he had a close call. his hand tightens around guren’s, just a bit. ]

[swordfucker]

[ Don’t worry, Dex!! Even if he does have a close call, he won’t say it like that! ]

You remember what I told you about Yuu? [ His son, ] Mikaela Hyakuya is the one who has it out for me. He’s just a kid, with blonde hair, and he’s Yuu’s family. One of the ones he thought died when he left them behind. He survived by being turned into a vampire, and he doesn’t like me because Yuu trusts me.

[ See, that kind of hate is a little wholesome? ] Then there’s Crowley Eusford. He’s taller than me, with most of his hair red and a braid in the back. Vampires lose their human emotions, so it’s hard to say what he’s thinking, but he’s ridiculously strong, and thinks of humans as livestock, so it’s better to be careful.

[ He squeezes his hand back. It’s fine!! Just be aware of vampires... ]